The Secret To Joy And Connection With Your Partner Is Simple (Yet Very Nuanced)

Alexandra Stockwell, MD teaches us that instead of complaining about our partner, we should focus on your own growth, our own learning, our own becoming.

February 27, 2023

We often find it much easier to see our partner’s shortcomings, faults, and inadequacies than our own. I suppose that might not seem like such a problem but it is–because it gets in the way of feeling happy, free, empowered, and turned on. So it actually is a substantial issue for anyone wanting more joy, connection, and pleasure with a spouse.


The key to shifting this tendency is to become aware when you are focusing on your partner’s shortcomings and then deliberately make a choice to change your perspective!


In other words, instead of complaining about your partner, focus on your own growth, your own learning, your own becoming. This pivot is precisely what leads to magic and miracles in your relationship.


Here’s how it might play out after you’ve chosen to focus on your own growth instead of your partner’s shortcomings. You might suddenly find your partner is less annoying. You find yourself feeling more turned on, content, and happy.  You’ll have more patience and be less fatigued by marital interactions. Creativity and loving energy will flow through you. 


It can seem like a quick switch from being annoyed by your partner to naming the benefits of shifting your attention to your own inner workings. Indeed while it’s pretty quick to write about, actually making that switch in real life is a whole journey with many themes and variations along the way.


The first step is shifting your attention from your partner’s shortcoming to awareness of what is happening inside you.


It’s common to attribute your lack of fulfillment to what your partner is or isn’t doing. If only he/she would change, then you would feel better.


Do you find yourself feeling irritated or disappointed believing if your partner had done something different you’d be feeling much better? Are you somewhat powerless to make a change because the way to improve things is for your partner to change?


Noticing these assumptions is the first step, and often the most humbling. This is very difficult because your patterns emerge and may disgust you–even though they can feel as much a part of you as the oxygen you breathe. However, unlike oxygen (which you breathe in and then it become a part of you) you can disentangle yourself from your disempowering patterns and shed them like a snake sheds its skin. 

Once you notice that you are waiting for your partner to change to make your life better, you’ll see that you can focus on the experience you are creating instead. It is a choice and perceiving that choice brings you to step two.

The second step is to shift your attention and choose another way of doing things.


You absolutely can pivot and do things differently such that you feel your power, your sovereignty, and your ability to improve your experience. Instead of waiting for your partner to change so you feel better, you can do it yourself. It’s a kind of reclamation of the power you have had all along…


The 6 Keys of an Intimate Marriage provide a path forward to shift things from the inside out, in order to create more joy and connection in your relationship. Each key offers new possibilities applicable in every scenario in which you feel stuck.


The 6 Keys of an Intimate Marriage are: 


  1. Cultivate Curiosity
  2. Embrace Honesty
  3. Be Kind
  4. Choose Happiness
  5. Take Responsibility
  6. Seek Growth


The 6 Keys seem so simple.  Yet, in reality they are profound and sophisticated concepts which work. They form the backbone of the relationship technology I teach in the Aligned & Hot Marriage program and I am continually awed by the results people get when they apply them. 


After all, each of us has blind spots, uninformed ways of communicating that get in the way of what we desire. The 6 keys provide a roadmap to reveal those patterns resulting in feeling more alive, more loved, and more loving.


Exploring and implementing the 6 keys of an intimate marriage is an incredibly beautiful and rich process. Once you learn the keys and how to use them, they will serve you well for the rest of your lives.


I am inspired by the old adage that you can give a man a fish, but it’s far better to teach him to fish. Similarly when you understand these 6 keys and all the nuance involved in implementing them, you will have all the tools you need to have a beautiful partnership and a positive impact designed to last a lifetime.


Creating joy and connection are learnable skills–skills every person deserves to access.


Are you ready to turn away from your partner’s limitations and discover your own, in order to resolve them?  Are you ready to experience the empowerment and sovereignty that comes with doing so?

Are you ready to dive into the richness of the 6 Keys of an Intimate Marriage?


If so, then you’re ready for the joy and connection that comes when you focus on your own experience –  which then allows you to expand into juicy passion and intimacy with another.

All opinions published on SomeDocs-Mag are the author’s and do not reflect the official position of SoMeDocs, its staff, editors. SoMeDocs is a magazine built with the safety of free expression and diverse perspectives in mind. For more information, or to submit your own opinion, please see our submission guidelines or email opmed@doximity.com. Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on SoMeDocs? Find out what we’re looking for here and submit your writing, or send us a pitch.

All opinions published on SomeDocs-Mag are the author’s and do not reflect the official position of SoMeDocs, its staff, editors. SoMeDocs is a magazine built with the safety of free expression and diverse perspectives in mind. Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on SoMeDocs? Submit your own article now here.


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