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Elevating Intimacy in Marriage: Identify When Desperation or Inspiration Motivates You

Alexandra Stockwell, MD writes about relationships that are motivated by inspiration versus desperation.

September 11, 2023

The problem is that most people ARE motivated by desperation. It’s what propels us to deal with our troubles.

As you navigate the sometimes benign and sometimes intense landscape of relationship dynamics, identifying the triggers that motivate you will serve you well.

Understanding them provides a basis for nurturing your emotional and physical connection with your spouse.

 

Awakening the Seeds of Transformation

For countless couples, the journey of growth often doesn’t begin until at least one person has a sense of desperation, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Reaching a version of a personal rock bottom can serve as a potent catalyst for transformation, prompting individuals to reconsider their choices and their actions. This scenario echoes wisdom from 12-step programs, where hitting rock bottom signifies an opportunity to seriously focus one’s efforts on solutions. It can be a kind of rebirth and a chance to reorient one’s life.

However, for high-functioning people in pursuit of relational evolution, inspiration can be enough and serve as a very effective guiding light. It is the beacon that calls to individuals already in a solid marriage who desire to uplevel from there. Put differently, crafting a passionate, erotically expansive marriage supported with clear, sometimes tender communication, requires inspiration and creativity.

 

"Hitting rock bottom signifies an opportunity to seriously focus one’s efforts on solutions."

 

Intimacy: The Nexus of Transformation

Intimacy means many things to many people and for the purposes of this article, it refers to meaningful connection in the emotional and physical realms. It encompasses communication (words, tone, and body language), sensuality, and a variety of forms of touch. Growing emotional intimacy happens naturally through sharing vulnerably and enjoying a variety of experiences. Conversations that bare your fears, aspirations, and dreams create the groundwork for a profound emotional bond.

Emotional intimacy has a far-reaching impact and typically unlocks the key to sensual experiences.

 



I have seen this play out with many many couples. For example, my clients I’ll call Jane and Clinton. They hadn’t made love in seven months when we first met. They both felt rejected, inadequate, and unsure of what to do other than to shutdown and silently suffer. Even though they sought me out for couples coaching because they wanted to rekindle their sexual intimacy, I started by focusing on their emotional connection. It made sense to start there so they would feel closer and be more comfortable with one another before we started discussing more complicated topics. However, we never got to those complicated topics because simply reconnecting emotionally paved the way for them to very easily reignite their erotic intimacy.

Every couple has a unique situation, and in all cases, once they feel seen, accepted, loved, and understood, the barriers to sexual intimacy greatly diminish (or entirely resolve).

 

"Emotional intimacy has a far-reaching impact and typically unlocks the key to sensual experiences."

 

Embracing Transformation Together

If you want to increase the physical intimacy in your marriage, remember that cultivating emotional intimacy will serve you well. Engaging your partner in candid dialogue about your desires and what motivates you to bring it up, whether it’s inspiration or desperation, can set the tone for understanding, empathy, and progress.

 

Conclusion

Within your desire to enhance your marriage, you will find yourself motivated by inspiration, or desperation. Knowing which it is can be very worthwhile, especially as you will find it helpful to notice your tendency if you want to transition into being lead by inspiration. Regardless of where you are on that spectrum, focusing on deepening your emotional intimacy is the best next step to take to revitalize the physical connection in your marriage.

All opinions published on SomeDocs-Mag are the author’s and do not reflect the official position of SoMeDocs, its staff, editors. SoMeDocs is a magazine built with the safety of free expression and diverse perspectives in mind. For more information, or to submit your own opinion, please see our submission guidelines or email opmed@doximity.com. Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on SoMeDocs? Find out what we’re looking for here and submit your writing, or send us a pitch.

All opinions published on SomeDocs-Mag are the author’s and do not reflect the official position of SoMeDocs, its staff, editors. SoMeDocs is a magazine built with the safety of free expression and diverse perspectives in mind. Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on SoMeDocs? Submit your own article now here.

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