I tend to remember my dreams on wakening, although they just as quickly abandon me as I reflexively reach for my phone. Today I wake myself up with a harsh cry, the me in my dream on my knees in front of someone who summarily ended our (good?) friendship with a cutting email that was completely unexpected. The email was more than five years ago, I apologized several times with no response, and when I mentally revisit the facts, I don’t see reconciliation. My own hurt (and maybe hers?) goes too deep, fathomless enough that my abject begging in the dream is disturbing.

My involuntary wakening makes me feel vulnerable, and I want to retract my soft parts inward like a turtle into its shell. I am not superstitious, but mentally I try to bless the still dark room from evil, murmuring, I wish you well, throwing salt, and knocking on wood.

I am no interpreter of dreams, but this imaginary attempt at rebuilding a friendship that razed me down with hours of tears might relate to exposing myself in the world, for anyone, whether previously trusted friend or unknown stranger, to judge. The dream may be related to a recent review of my middle-grade novel-in-verse, Love Language, released in both print and audiobook on August 4^th, a review that felt negative enough that my mind scrambled after reading it, my stomach dropped like I was falling, and I felt exposed and fearful.

Physicians face unique challenges when creating public work. Training is punishingly long and strenuous, with hobbies often abandoned, and the habits of training often extend into post-residency practice with even self-care given low priority. Perfectionism and hustle culture, with more hours at work often praised as being evidence of a superior, dedicated physician, are often in direct opposition to the loose latitude that can be essential to try new things and pursue creative endeavors. There may also be an unspoken stigma to dedicating significant time to things outside of medicine; if more time at work equals a dedicated doctor, the converse, choosing to spend less time at work, could be seen as being less committed to patient care.

Writers Conference for Healthcare Professionals

SoMeDocs is pleased to announce a virtual conference focusing on writing as a healthcare professional. Topics range from Book Publishing — Getting Started, to Writing Fiction: The Secret Sauce that Keeps Readers Turning Your Pages, and more.

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Although I feel pressed for time and would never want to be seen as a less than diligent physician, hobbies  help me stay grounded in humanity through remaining fully aware of my shortcomings. Writing helps me be a better doctor. The more I write, the more I am unable to not write, but the more I write, the risk of jeopardy seems greater.

Anyone putting a part of themselves out into the world, whether it be in the form of a creative pursuit like a book or trying to sustain a connection with someone, is vulnerable, creating an opportunity for rejection. And even though I am a “big girl”, rejection is intense, and it is not easy for me to ignore it and just move on.

Plus, part of human nature is to focus on the negative. Supposedly we are built this way because we have evolved to be alert for danger – we need to be more aware of criticism than praise. And while it is hard to read an unenthusiastic critique, getting older makes it easier to practice having a growth mindset toward things that pain me. With increasing age, it becomes easier to think, What did I lose? Maybe a little pride, maybe a little confidence, maybe a little insouciance. But in the end, what a privilege to be able to put a book into the world, and from that view, writing is worth the hurt.