It started with a simple question to a colleague.
We were both frustrated, another change, another request, another thing to manage on top of an already long list. I looked at her and said, “Do you feel like you can respond to this with kindness? Because I don’t think I can right now.”
We both laughed, but there was honesty behind it. What I meant was: I’m not in the right headspace to respond in a way I’ll be proud of later.
That question, Can I respond with kindness?, has quietly become one of my most reliable self-checks. It’s how I decide whether I’m ready to reply to an email, give feedback to a learner, or even answer my children’s questions at the end of a long day.
And lately, in a world that feels constantly changing, in medicine, in systems, in expectations, that pause feels more essential than ever.
The old habit: Quick responses felt like respect
For years, I prided myself on being responsive. If someone emailed me, I replied right away. If my child asked a question, I answered immediately. If a learner or colleague raised an issue, I jumped in to solve it.
I thought that speed showed respect, that quick meant caring, that immediate meant engaged.
But over time, I realized that fast didn’t always mean kind, and it didn’t always reflect my best self.
Sometimes I responded when I was hungry, tired, or distracted. My tone was shorter than I intended, my patience thinner, my words more reactive than reflective. I started noticing that my “efficient” replies sometimes left people feeling dismissed or misunderstood.
In trying to be respectful of others’ time, I wasn’t respecting my own limits, or theirs.
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The turning point
There wasn’t one dramatic moment of realization, more a gradual noticing, a slow accumulation of small regrets.
An email sent too quickly. A comment to a learner that landed sharper than I meant. A text to a family member that carried my frustration more than my intention.
I remember one moment in particular. A learner had sent me a reflection that missed the mark. I replied immediately, focusing on clarity and correction. Later, rereading my response, I realized it came across as cold. I hadn’t given myself time to see their effort, only their errors.
That’s when I began experimenting with a pause.
Before replying, to anyone, I’d ask myself: Can I respond with kindness?
If the answer was yes, I went ahead.
If the answer was no, I waited.
It sounds simple. But in a culture that celebrates urgency, it felt radical.
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Practicing the pause
This small habit has changed the texture of my days.
When I get an upsetting email, I don’t reply right away. I might draft a message and come back to it later, often realizing that my tone softens, or my empathy deepens once I’ve had space to think.
When a patient message feels sharp or accusatory, I pause to remember that behind those words might be fear, confusion, or exhaustion. Responding with kindness doesn’t mean agreeing with everything, it means meeting people where they are.
When I need to give feedback to a learner or team member, I take a breath and ask: What’s my intention? If it’s to help them grow, kindness may mean being clear but calm, honest but thoughtful. Sometimes kindness is soft; sometimes it’s direct. But it’s never reactive.
Even at home, this practice matters. When my children interrupt me at the end of a long clinic day, I can feel the pull to snap. But then I catch myself: Can I answer kindly right now? If not, I say, “Give me a minute.” That small space, a few breaths, changes everything.
Kindness doesn’t mean avoiding hard truths or difficult conversations. It means staying aligned with your values even when your emotions pull you elsewhere. It means protecting relationships, and yourself, from the fallout of a rushed reply.
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The challenge of kindness in a changing world
Lately, it feels like the world, and especially the world of healthcare, is in constant motion.
New systems. New workflows. New expectations. One more patient message, one more technology update, one more “quick” meeting that adds another task to the list.
All while the emotional landscape keeps shifting, social uncertainty, global events, personal exhaustion. Many of us are operating from a place of depletion more often than we’d like to admit.
In that kind of environment, it’s hard to always be our best self. Hard to bring patience, curiosity, and kindness into every interaction.
That’s why this question matters so much right now.
Can I respond with kindness?
It’s not just a nicety. It’s a necessary boundary in a time when the pace and pressure of our work can pull us away from who we want to be. It’s a way to interrupt the cycle of reactivity that stress so easily creates.
We can’t control every change around us, but we can choose how we show up within it.
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A small question, a meaningful pause
The beauty of this practice is that it doesn’t take time, it creates it.
Before replying to a message, giving feedback, or reacting to a request, I take a breath and ask:
Can I respond with kindness?
If the answer is yes, I do.
If the answer is no, I wait until I can.
Sometimes the pause is a deep breath. Sometimes it’s a night’s sleep. But it always leads to a better response, one that reflects not just my role, but my humanity.
We can’t stop the pace of change around us. But we can choose not to let it harden us.
So the next time you feel the pressure to respond immediately, to that email, that message, that comment, that question, take a moment.
Ask yourself: Can I respond with kindness?
That single pause might not change the system, but it will change the moment. And over time, those moments add up, shaping a culture that feels just a little bit gentler, even in the midst of all this change.
In trying to be respectful of others’ time, I wasn’t respecting my own limits, or theirs.
