3 Ways To Spice Up Your Relationship

3 Ways To Spice Up Your Relationship

Alexandra Stockwell, MD, the 'intimacy doctor', shares her most effective (and lasting) ways to spice up your relationship.

When it comes to enhancing the spiciness in your marriage, there are an infinite number of ways to do so–which ones are going to appeal to you are going to be based on your personalities, prior experience, and sensual preferences.

I won’t pretend to outline all of them, but I do want to tell you that any improvement is going to include focusing on 3 key elements:

Your partner
Your relationship

In terms of 3, consider that your marriage consists of yourself and your partner, but it’s also its own unique entity. Your marriage, as a whole unto itself, has needs and wants which must be fulfilled and attended to. For example, there might be a day when both you and your partner each want to be alone but you realize it would be best for your marriage for the two of you to spend time together.

All three categories deserve your attention so you can experience joy, pleasure, and ever evolving intimacy/passion between you and your partner. In this article I am going to give you 3 ways to spice up your relationship, one for each of the aforementioned categories.

Can you buy flowers, wear sexy lingerie, or go on some lover’s retreat for the weekend to improve your relationship? Of course you can.

In fact, please do!

However, none of those things are going spice up your relationship in a long-lasting sustained way – they are simply opportunities to create enjoyable experiences with short-lived gratification.


Can you buy flowers, wear sexy lingerie, or go on some lover’s retreat for the weekend to improve your relationship? Of course you can. However, none of those things are going spice up your relationship in a long-lasting sustained way Click To Tweet


The most effective (and lasting) ways to spice up your relationship are to tend to your own needs, be generous and responsive towards your partner, and deepen the emotional connection between the two of you.

When you do those things, everything becomes more fun, more flirtatious, and more spicy–try it!

If you like what you read below, keep in mind that I created a full guide which gives you 9 Ways to Spice Up Your Relationship too!


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Spice Up Your Relationship By Focusing On Yourself

Take some time to identify what you want and clearly communicate it

If you don’t know what you want in your relationship–you can be sure you won’t get it.

But if you do know, there is a good chance you can create it.

These conversations have to happen, and they have to happen often because desires change over time and it’s important to keep one another up-to-date. What delighted you 5 years ago may no longer be as appealing to you, and your partner needs to know that.

Sometimes these conversations are fun and enjoyable, sometimes they are difficult and require patience from both partners. Either way, with time, they will become far more straightforward and you’ll even look forward to them. After all, your desires are real, so don’t compromise on them.

A truly intimate marriage is nurtured with self awareness, as well as the ability to speak what is working and what is not working-it’s how you create an opportunity for improvement. And it all begins with you.

If you know what you want, and you don’t communicate it – your partner will never be able to fully honor your desires.  This is a lose-lose for both of you.

The more you communicate honestly and fully, the more likely your partner will be able to fulfill your desires and collaborate with you on dialing up the spiciness in your relationship.

Spice Up Your Relationship By Focusing On Your Partner

Identify your partner’s love language

Which of the following statements best describes your partner?

They feel loved when you clean the house, make dinner, or make the bed.
They feel loved when you hold hands, cuddle, or are physically intimate.
They feel loved when buying and receiving physical tokens of affection, flowers, playlists and the like.
They feel loved when you tell them how much you appreciate who they are and how they show up in your relationship.
They feel loved by simply sitting down and sharing a meal with you, or binge watching the latest Netflix hit together.

Each of these questions correlates with a love language.

Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Gift Giving/Receiving
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time

Perhaps you read these statements and know right away which one best represents your partner’s experience or…you may not be so sure.

If you don’t know your partner’s love language, you are about to have a lot of fun! You can discover it by really paying attention to their responses. Try doing something from every one of the statements above and see which one brings a smile and is most meaningful to your partner. Or, if you prefer, just go ahead and ask them! It’s a perfectly reasonable and affectionate question.

However you figure it out, once you are clear on your partner’s love language, express your love accordingly. Let the love you feel be translated into the language that will touch their heart.

Doing so shouldn’t feel like work or be overwhelming-just do something small in their love language, small enough to be no big deal to you because that will go very far in communicating your care. If this is new for you, expressing love in your partner’s love language can be a total game-changer!

To hear more about my take on the 5 Love Languages, listen to that episode of my podcast: The Intimate Marriage Podcast

Spice Up Your Relationship By Focusing On Your Relationship

Create sensual experiences for one another

Your relationship has many facets that are interconnected and your emotional intimacy is reflected in your physical intimacy.

Just as I suggested you figure out your own desires, you also get to discover what brings your partner pleasure. Have a discussion where you each share one thing (or more) that you’d enjoy experiencing sensually. If you are both on board about whatever you’ve shared with one another, then go ahead and do it together!

A fun way to spice things up, is to take turns creating sensual experiences for one another. It allows one of you to take charge and the other one to relax into receiving. Then change roles the next time and see how that goes too.

This will provide an opportunity for one of you to be creative, while the other one gets to receive and be surprised.  There’s so much fun in spontaneity, and you are likely to discover new ways to touch and be touched that continue to inspire more passion.

Make sure to share your favorite parts of the experience with one another so you know what to expand on the next time!

Being this intentional with your sensual intimacy can be very confronting at first, especially during the planning of it. But once you get the hang of it, it will become the highlight of your week!

I want more emotional intimacy for all couples, including you. I will help you create the deliciousness & joy of a growth-oriented, passionate relationship.

In the meantime, if you want to know more about how to stoke the passion in your relationship, read my book Uncompromising Intimacy.

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Sherita D. Gaskins-Tillett, MD

11/02: A Weekend For Me

A Weekend For Me is a time-out for professional women to rest, reconnect with themselves, define their priorities and vision a life that they love.

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